i hate listening to myself think, and hate even more reading my own words. and, well, i think that makes sense as someone, like myself, who mostly hates myself. wouldn’t you agree?

that’s why, to me, this whole concept of blogging and internet life-ing is lost upon me. why would you spend so much time just reflecting in public, if you can’t well stand yourself in private?

but then, i think about carl rogers. and here is my theory: people need to talk, need to narrate, need to explain themselves in order to actualize their lives. that’s where therapy usually comes in. but because of this sensitivity surrounding the “t” word, people have had to turn to a type of diy therapy, i.e. the internet.

so maybe no one comments on our blogs or we don’t actually send out the link to anyone, but we feel better. and, well, i think that’s sort of amazing. we have made technology fulfill a need that has never been fulfilled in such an affordable, mass-produced way. in a way, we are making our own solution, whether we know it or not.

in the end, actually clicking that “publish” button allows us to move thoughts into shared reality.

and isn’t that rather brilliant?

As you and I both know, there is always a sound that depicts every moment of our lives.  Much like a soundtrack, but more personal and passionate.  Sounds know us more than we know each other.  The sound that we hear keeps our minds creative.  In all instances, in all happenings, there is a sound.  Has there ever been a moment in your life that felt so still?  Everything remained motionless, but your soul and mind wandered off to far places.  Lights, bright lights, filled the air and the sky.  It could almost be compared to how a rainbow would look if it were to explode in a million pieces.  In this big city of San Antonio (Texas), there reigns four talented individuals who know the sound of wandering silence.  Budian gives the mind and the soul the chance to escape this dirty world and enter this field of stillness and beauty.

Budian just released their newest record this September, The Beast. The Beast is a 10 track record full of nothing but beautiful harmonies and melodies.  Budian consists of Janiene Bishop, Joshua D. Bishop, F. Sott Andreu, Stephen B. Andreu, and a special guest Ruben Benavidez for the “Get Up” track.  The very first track, Please To Meet You, is the perfect introduction to a beautiful work.  Purely instrumental on this first track, hearing the violin autmatically brings this comfort to the mind.  It’s very mesmerizing as it leads to the next track, Dreams.  Dreams has to be one of the most beautiful, soothing tracks I have ever listened to.  As I first heard this song, I felt powered to close my eyes.  This is where the imagination takes the lead.  A dream is, indeed, what Budian is all about.  They are the dream of calmness and creativity.  They give the listener the chance to just sway back and forth and loose themselves within the sound.  The vocals in The Beast may very well be the key ingredient to this beautiful, calming product.  Janiene Bishop has the voice of an angel and knows exactly how to project it in each track.  However, each individual in this band brings forth the perfect amount of talent and passion to make their sound so unbelievably beautiful.

 I can ramble on and on about each track on this record, but you, the listener, will have to experience the beauty of all this on your own.  It is a record worth listening to and buying.  Give your mind the chance to explore on a level it has never explored before.  Let Budian become the soundtrack to your precious life.

Budian on Myspace

Remained silent

Continuously weeping

Watering the ground we walked on

In the middle of nowhere

Her heart exploded

The aftermath was like a magnet

It all went to one object

A note stood on this object

All lower case letters

“it all belonged to you”

The object wept

The object turned away

Nothing was left for this object to say

And so the object remained lonely.

So as I sit in my place of perfection and I stare at the walls that seclude me from the world, I embrace this silence. I love it with all my heart. I am not a loner, I know that for sure but I do need my silence. I do need that time where I run away from the world and I finally get alone time. I know I need it the most when I start zoning out of conversations. I could be in the middle of the most important conversation of my life and I start staring at something and can’t stop. I lock into nothing for seconds, sometimes minutes and when I snap out of it, I know it’s time to dissapear. I should stop rambling about my bad habits because I’m sure people do not care. But maybe one day when I’m dead and gone along with the rest of the world as we know it, some crazy guy who goes around trying to figure out what the last world was like will stumble upon my writings. When they find my writings, maybe they’ll name me a philosopher of my time or a really smart lady. I could have my own book and people will talk about me in classes and how my misery and thoughts have taught the world a different outlook at life. Yeah, I’d like to think this.

As you can tell, or can’t, it’s whatever, I remain photo-less. This is due to the fact that I am still trapped 4 hours south from the other masked beauties. Curse my young age. I promise to get one asap.

So, high school, … yeah, …hahah, … it really is torture. Like, really. These first two weeks haven’t been the best. Why am I so ridiculous? Why am I taking so many rigorous classes? AP Calculus, AP Biology, AP English 4, AP Government and Eco. Yeah,
I should be relaxing by the pool, sipping lemonade, reading a book, for pleasure, not as an assignment from school. Right? Wrong! So much fail!
Look, I can be another typical annoying young soul: “Oh my God! I hate school, and life, and boys! Wah Wah Wah!”
Ok, I’m done. That’s not really my thing.

Hi.
My name is Nicki, but you can call me Dre. Whad up?
Actually, you can call me Lindsay if you’d like.
Once, at Starbucks, I told them my name was Lindsay,… and they believed me! So wild! haha, see…

In 6th grade, a strange boy by the name of Raul gave me the name “Wally”. He gave others: Swan, Minute Maid, and Too-Fee. He’d always say “In a minute… Maid.” in a creepy-ish voice. He was really great, thinking back. I didn’t think so then, what a mistake.

I recently fell like in legit love. And, I know what you’re thinking, “Angela! How could you possibly fall in love with anyone in the lame, middle-of-nothing town you live in?!” Well, I agree, but, you haven’t met him! He is like, THE ONE! haha. Why must I be so creepy?! But, seriously, he is like so legit, and most likely thee only legit person in the entire Valley. No joke! I’ve always secretly been in love with him since freshman year, but now it’s like in my face because I have a class with him. And wow. Unfortunately, he sits behind me, so I can’t stare at him. haha Again with the creepy-ness! I just want to tell him: “Will you make a plan to love me, sometime soon?” But, of course, I won’t. Typical Angela.

There is another boy at my school, and, well, he looks EXACTLY like Cody from Disney Channel’s “Suite Life on Deck.” Like, I’m pretty sure they  are actually the same person. So attractive! I am probably the creepiest person ever, in case you hadn’t noticed. haha.

Well, I think I should call it quits. I promise to try to write more often on here. It feels really good! Although, I’m sure you don’t care. It’s ok, I’m used to it.
Well, keep dreaming brighter days, … I guess, … I mean, if you want.

I will close things with a Bright Eyes quote, of course.

“You mean nothing to no one, but that’s nobody’s fault.”

Keep that in mind, I know I should. Sometimes I forget though.

K. Laterz.

Their is something about the rain that makes me love every single thing about life so very much.  Did I actually type “love” and “life” in the same sentence while referring to how I feel?  Wow.

Though, much truth holds on to that statement.  I’ve realized it’s a cliche act to love the rain, but you have no idea what really goes on in my mind and soul once that rain drop hits my body.  I usually have music playing, but even without the music- the sound of rain is just as beautiful.

It’s a Thursday night and I remain home alone.  Tomorrow I will drive down to South Padre Island and prepare for my sisters bridal shower.  I’m the maid-of-honor.  Yes, the MoH (pronounced Moe).

I can hear Plants and Animals playing from my room.  All my lights are off, so the lightning and screen light are my primary source of light.  I want to fall asleep on my roof right now.  I am more than comfortable, with a (wet) blanket and pillow in hand.  My mind is beginning to wander into some past memories.

Say Yes is now playing.  I’ve loved Elliott Smith for many years.  Say Yes is one song that, no matter how many times I listen to it, will always give me the chills.  It is just a beautiful, 2.19 minute song.  A boy once played that song in my presence.  Just with that, I knew I would love this boy for the rest of my life.  Not nearly as much as I love Elliott Smith, but enough to the point where his face and voice appear in my mind when that song plays.

I love loving.  I love the idea of being placed in this world to love.  I’m getting pretty good at it.  Not the game of love, that is- but the sharing and giving of love.  It’s quite beautiful.  A lot of things are becoming more beautiful to me.  I sound pretty gay right about now too.

I can’t stay on the same topic for the life of me.  Man, Krista, you suck.  So, I’ll talk about how Bob Dylan is now playing in my room.  ”Blowin’ in the Wind,” is what currently is playing.  It fits this weather and scene all too much.  And it is times like this when I am convinced that my life is a movie.  If only other people could be here with me.  But, I don’t want any other people.  The thought of company seems happy, yet now is not the time.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future.  Especially in my Ethics and Theology class, I’ve put a lot of thought into my future.  I have a good idea on what I want to do after I finish undergrad.  I want to share it with you, but knowing me- tomorrow, I will have a completely different plan.  If the same plan remains within the next following week, then I’ll definitely cough it out of my mind and put it into words on paper.

Alas, Sigur Rós has made its way to my shuffle.  Now, this is the perfect sound to listen to while sitting on the roof, watching the rain pour down.  This is the time when everything that felt perfect already- feels even more perfect.  It is the perfect sound to the end of the day.  It is the perfect sound to the beginning of thoughts.

My eyes are officially shut as I type away on this keyboard.  This is what this kind of music does to my body.  My outer side is off, and my inner side is on.  I can feel myself breathe along with the beat of The Nothing Song.  I opened my eyes for a split second and looked at the time. 11:11:11PM.  Neat.

I made a wish.  I usually repeat my wishes.  They never come true.  I’m fine with that.  They are pretty reasonable too.  But, a woman can’t always get what she wants.

I shut my eyes again.  The song is still playing.  I have chills running through my entire body.  Now is the time where I want someone.  A specific someone.  However, this person isn’t someone who can appear here.  It’s more of a figment of my imagination.  Someone that I have built in my mind.  The same person that I dream about constantly.  I wonder if I should even call that figment a person?  I mean, in my mind it is a person, of course.  But, not a living one.  To my knowledge, not a living one.

I’m going to stop here, only because I feel like I’ve written a long enough piece that has no center subject or purpose.  I’ll remain on my roof, and I’ll think of you as the rain pours down.

I’m not gonna fall down today,
Instead I will buckle my knees and sway
Against sweet memories

-Greg Laswell

]]> http://maskedbeauties.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/rain-on-me/feed/ 1 Masked Beauties krista 5920_1090215985451_1528020030_30226340_3182678_n http://maskedbeauties.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/les-os/ http://maskedbeauties.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/les-os/#comments Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:13:41 +0000 Masked Beauties http://maskedbeauties.wordpress.com/?p=53 ]]>

I want to die today and make love with you in my grave.

-The Unicorns

I cannot even explain how many nights I have laid in my bed and this lyric constantly goes through my head. Or how many times I have gone into that transe where I start screaming out lyrics for no reason. Sure, I look like a freak but maybe it’s my way of changing the world? Maybe by that one lyric, someone heard it and knew they had to do something about their on and off relationship finally. Or maybe they heard me screaming it and decided it was time to find someone before they croaked. Who knows.

I’m sitting in the cafeteria at my school right now, drinking the gatorade that looks like alien piss and staring at each person that passes me by. Directly in front of me is the kid Krista and I made fun of for the entire semester. Oh wait, Kim and I made fun of him too the semester before that. Man, I’m a bitch. Oh and in front of him, is the guy who looks Kevin Devine-ish. I just snapped out of a daydream where he came over and starting singing Not Over You Yet and I melted in my seat. I tend to sit and examine people a lot. I like to try and figure out what they are thinking. Especially in the morning, most people sit alone. They read their books, they get on facebook and stalk people, they put on their ipod and just stare straight into their food. Me? I am just a little girl who sits by herself with one ipod bud in her ear, eating tacos, typing away. I do happen to have my book on my lap to make it seem that I am at least a tiny bit collegic but I’m not fooling anyone.

Growing up, I always thought I had some deadly disease and not much has changed. That massive bump on the back of your head where you skull is, it pops out a bit. When I was four, I thought I had brain cancer and I was going to die at any minute. I remember when I popped my ankle for the first time I thought it was broken and I was not going to walk for the rest of my life. And even now, I have this feeling I will die young and never get to live my life. Extreme worrier, that is me. Maybe one day I will grow out of it. Krista seems to bring it out in me though, except it adds a little bit of a comical side to my problems. Instead of laying down at night and freaking myself out. We tend to make fun of the facts and this is the new view on life I have. It sucks sometimes, well a lot of the time, but you just have to laugh. Laugh at everything.

Unlike, the other masked beauties, I know nothing of sharing myself with others. I’ve never kept a journal; and I don’t consider myself an anything. I can’t bring anything to life or show you anything beautiful.

Something happens when I write things down; and even, when I say things aloud. Between each neuron firing in my brain there is a filter that keeps my own thoughts from myself. I don’t know what it is, but I quite certain it has to do with the fact that I can’t let even myself know what I want to think. Therefore, I apologize in advance for the words I will be writing.

Honestly, I can’t stand myself, so I don’t expect you to waste your time tolerating me. I was lucky enough to be invited to write for Masked Beauties. Honestly, though, I’ve not much to offer. In fact, this may be one of my few entries.

As for now, I can tell you just one thing. The Truth. And the truth is, I love you. I am your biggest fan.

I’ve never been a fascinating individual; instead, I simply adore you. You, for the potential you have. You, for all your quirks and special qualities. You have so many things to contribute, and I can’t wait to find it all.

I want you to know that I think you are amazing. And, I could listen to you forever. Whoever you are.

Where do you live? Love is a place. Where are you from? She says, ask yourself, ask anyone. What’s holding up her face. Nothing but blue skies.

-metric.

Here I sit in this brown recliner with my dog, Sumo. He’s the only one that loves me twenty-four seven. I’m a really hard person to love, actually I don’t know how anyone could ever love me. I say that often, all the time actually. Hello, My name is Ashley and I know who I am, I just don’t know where I belong. The only thing I know that belongs in my hand is a camera. When I have a camera in my hand, I feel alive and I feel like I know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m creating something and I feel like I’m actually making a difference. Photography has become something cool to do. If you are the person at the show with the camera then supposedly that makes you cool. I do not feel this way whatsoever. Just because you have a fancy camera doesn’t make you a photographer. Now if you take pictures that capture someones soul, if you take a picture that shows emotion, if you take a picture that has movement and depth in a still 2-dimensional print…that is what makes you a photographer. I believe I’m a photographer, you tell me if you think the same way.

I have almost died, and believe me, once you almost make it there…you don’t want to go back. You don’t want to think of when or how you will die, you don’t even want to mention your death. It’s a fact. I have been broken. I’m a puzzle that was put together, then taken apart and thrown back into the box. Now that box is just fine for me. I like the box, but the problem is this. All of my peices didn’t make it into that box, and before I could gather myself and grab those peices, the janitor came by and swept them up, so it sucks…yeah…but I’m still here and guess what…I’m okay, and thats all I need to be at the moment.

I have some very special friends, some of which do not know me. To name a few…Veronica, Kelly, Conor and Krista. I would name the few more, but they know who they are and again, thats all that matters.

All I want in my life is learn, to teach, to love and to heal. I talk to God more than I talk to anyone else. I believe, very strongly. I believe you can kill people with kindness and I believe that I will float to heaven when it is my day. I want to find a small house or apartment to dwell. Where that will be located? Anywhere but here. Possibly I will have someone to live with me, but God bless their soul…like I said I don’t know how anyone can love me. I want to have a studio/gallery a few blocks away so I can walk to my shop everyday. I want to be able to share the word and show my work. I want to love somebody. I want to wear a dress everyday and feel like I’m living because unfortunatly I can’t live until I find where I belong. Help me find where I belong.

Please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Veronica. I have had quite possibly a million and one nicknames throughout my life. Sure, you can add to the collection, I will answer to almost anything. I am laid back and lazy, I enjoy being this way. Although, I do worry almost 24/7 and analyze everything around me to the point of insanity. I didn’t have friends until I was 7 years old and I still suffer from making them. Although recently, I have realized the group I have will be with me until I die. I have never had a boyfriend because not only am I a picky eater, I am a picky lover. I fell in love once, I have fallen in lust the rest of my life. Since I can remember, I have never been normal. I always made friends with the people who had none and collected rocks until I was 10. When I got to high school, I was angry and hurt and the only thing that was there for me was music. I revolved myself in music and art while others revolved around drinking and drugs. The Beatles, Bright Eyes, Brand New…these 3 B’s completed my life and still do to this day. When I would get annoyed (which I often do, it’s not your fault), music was the only thing that was truly there for me. So now this brings us to the present. I go to school in San Antonio, I love it here. Some question why I love San Antonio more than I do Houston and I really do not have a true answer yet. I love Houston on occasion, I love San Antonio always. Texas is the place I love the most. I used to dream about moving to California when I finished high school because I thought it was the greatest place on earth. I have come to realize where my home really is and I will probably stay here for the rest of my life. I still have no lover. I will probably be alone for the rest of my life unless someone really great randomly grows off a tree. Or some person I think is amazing and secretly admire runs up and grabs me as tight as they can to tell me they have always loved me and we run away together to live happily ever after. (This will never happen but it’s a dream I’ve had for a while).

In the midst of my writing, I have found out that my own parents lied to me. Therefore, I come to the conclusion that you can really trust no one. You can’t trust the best friend who has everything in common with you. You can’t trust the boy who knows everything about you. And you can’t trust the parents who gave birth to you.

The only thing you can trust is the bed filled with blankets that comforts you better than any other person in this world. Fin.